My burden is light

Have you ever heard someone say "choose your hard". It would be hard to keep being unfit, or it could be hard to start exercising, chose your hard.

That's the best way I can describe faith in God, to someone who isn't a believer. Recently I've had to make very hard, strange choices and have very hard, strange conversations with people in my life.

See when I first encountered God, I had no idea what I was doing. I never knew what I was doing, so I would take my problems to a boy I met through instagram. He was very smart and was always there to guide and push me forward. I told him about the things I did with boys... and girls and he told me to stop, so I decided to write a very specific list of what I wanted in a man and promised to never settle for anything less. Suddenly I took a 3 month break from everyone and did some growing. When I came back this boy missed me. This boy and I talked and talked and talked. Through all the talking God showed me the list I wrote, to detail. The boy I knew was now a man and now he's my man.

It was genuinely like all the little details aligned, and it was just me, him and God. God brought me to him and he brought me to God. He does live 17 hours away, but there is no actual fault with us. I am the happiest girl in the whole world and he continues to go beyond the list and beyond expectations.

I fell in love with him and even more with God. But one day something was off and we both ended up crying because I didn't know how to tell him " I can't talk to you". Nothing was wrong, it was in the air. That was the first time the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me. All I knew was that I loved this man, but I had to go, I couldn't explain why and I didn't even want to do it. But of course my man, so smart, so beautiful, he understood, that God was calling us to him and that it's okay we'll come back. 

The hardest part was the fact I never get to see him. Talking and calls are the only thing we have, it always felt like we had less already, now it would be nothing.

We did this "break" multiple times, we were called back to God multiple times and it was strange, because we remained in love. To other people breaks signal something bad but for me, it signals growth with God and that's the greatest. The thing we were not getting, was we always came back on our own accord. within a week or two when one of us folded.

But for the past month God has been right here with me. When I went to Sydney for a month, on the 21st of July I wrote this:

I keep sort of telling myself that when I get home il'l start, after this last sweet treat i'll start… after whatever excuse then i’ll start. Rarely ever do I start. And then I repeat this process but with more guilt, less God, more negative. It's a terrible, terrible, faith breaking choice that I keep repeating and it has to be a sin. 

But i'm not fully grasping how little I have done this year. I have had The Most privilege of meeting God, being in a beautiful relationship with him but even after the most magical experience.

Why do i keep going away, and back to sin. Because it's hard. Why do I not do the hard thing?, because i'm scared of failing, getting hurt, not being good, being alone, but mostly failing. 

The thing is by choosing to not fail, I fail God and myself each day. I continue to fail in the wrong direction and it's costing the life that God wanted for me. The only way forward is towards God. Like a toddler learning to walk I walk towards Him and fail and learn to fall into His hands and experience a close relationship with Him.

Writing this I just remembered that entry. what a coincidence... or is it?

Sin is something people don't wanna address because you either don't hold that standard or it makes you feel bad. Every time I feel guilty and I think " this is the one where God will hate me " i'm reminded of Isaiah 55:8 "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways"

He is beyond what you actually think, he's genuinely always forgiving, always wanting to help you not loose anymore. The reason why sin is important to me is because it's like walking away from God, which after the things I've seen I would never want to be away. But this repetitive sin is called iniquity and it's so habitual it's almost like a reflex, and it stems from my past.

I was so suicidal for years, I was addicted to drugs, was promiscuous and used self harm which were all gateways leading to a bunch of terrible mistakes that hurt more than myself. But now that I don't drink or smoke, Im waiting till marriage and don't cut myself, people say "you have changed, i'm proud".

Yet i'm addicted to my sin, Im not outrightly sleeping with people, but I think about it and wish I were often, i'm not outrightly cutting but I harm my body by not taking proper care of it. It's still here, it's just disguised, but the consequences remain the same. In John 15 Jesus says:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful"

That's what my problems (sin) is like. I only cut the stalk, didn't even remember the roots and so we thank God for seeing what I cannot.

All this to say when I came home, I was so thirsty for no reason, so thirsty I bought a water bottle. I told everyone, trying to figure out if there was something wrong. I was drinking 6-7 Litres a day. There was a little encounter I had with God and I thought I should go ask him to talk to me again while I read my Bible. I asked and I randomly open my Bible to a page and it was Isaiah 55 titled "Invitation to the Thirsty". The passage ends with- 

 "This will be for the Lords renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever"

Over each week I kept falling into sin, getting back up, and I just was not getting it. It talked about God having mercy, one night a cat named mercy came up to me. He was right there but in every interaction I was failing him. Every single time I fell, my man directed me back to God, back to my bible. The passages were either in Isaiah or referencing words from the "Invitation to the thirsty" whist getting progressively more urgent in messages. Galatians said you should help each other out of sin but be careful you might fall into it, and that's what happened the very next day. After that they got louder, God became a stern Father. He remained loving, encouraging and forgiving, but there was an urgency behind it, because he wants me.

My Man and I were feeling that feeling again but it's so sneaky. it's like you're hitting a wall and life is the same. Like your soul is lost. He led by saying " let's cut down on calls" and it helped but we were just cutting the stem. One day I woke up and I was like " God?", it was like I wasn't with him and I spent the morning praying and asking for a sign, he showed me more scripture. Isaiah, of course Isaiah 7, where he offers the king a sign and he denies it. It's a passage about unfaithfulness and disobedience. When God is saying " I have what you want", but the king looks to people. 

I looked like this:

I flipped through every page that was shown to me and they all made sense, I called my man and it all happened so fast. He listened and then with what I told him, he obeyed God and led me. No contact again but this time, we come back when God says. The truth is I didn't really know why as always, I just knew it had to happen. So I made him block me, because the temptation of the chat would have me slipping up. The difference between now and last time is I don't know when we come back, I have stepped out in full faith that God will tell my man that were both ready, when he's done working on us.

I was surprised I didn't cry a lot, I was actually really excited, like a weight was lifted, but maybe it was the hole left in my chest from when he ripped my man away, sigh. To be fr though it felt weirdly like we were getting closer to love, because we were, we were going to Jesus.

That night I kid you not this whole family argument started because I was trying to be open to my family by saying that "I have been held down by demons and not equipped to leave this family, because its trying to keep me here to continue the cycle we keep repeating". I understand how that sounds. But I know that I would be a better person in my family if I could take a step back into my faith and ask God " how do I do this?", because they don't share the same beliefs as me and I see everything differently and there is a sense of urgency to my family too. But the whole, stepping away, going away, was the part they couldn't get over and I cried so much and I thought " I need my man", then immediately " why did I go to my man and not Jesus, I need Jesus, that exactly where he would direct me to anyway".

The day after that I hung out with a friend, my longest friend and it felt like every word that came out of my mouth was so reflex like, unnatural and inauthentic. I was vomiting nothing of substance. And I lay down in bed and I sobbed. I was mourning, what I didn't know and then it was like my consciousness caught up to my feelings " it's everywhere". there was no aspect of my life where my sin wasn't effecting  how I was in any of my relationships. that lost, distantness I felt was with everyone. I was being called away from everyone. 

This time it was different because I had people I loved, good people, people who I wanted to keep seeing and being with. But the kinds of relationships and the kind of person I wanted to be, I  wasn't headed there so God was calling me away. I asked "why now though?". I wrote my exact question out:

Why would you call me into a singleness season when I am watering the best relationship, friendships and my family?

Because your water is impure, it will slowly poison them. I am the water, come to me and I will bring life.

God knows that I prayed for these things but he know what kind of person I need to be in order to maintain them, He doesn't come and give when I am perfect, he likes to be useful, he wants me and I am needing him. He sees the root of the problem and he's saying. Spend some time with me, I will clean you, and it will endure forever.

The hardest part of this is the fact that I really am being asked to just be with him, so I had to try and explain this to people who don't know. I just had to try, be honest and have faith that God would not fail me. It was still super hard, but I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was so bittersweet. But I always think about how we are called to "take up our cross daily". Like Jesus when he sacrificed himself to save us, for the better.

And I sit here now, after walking away from everyone I love, alone, waiting. Listening to the end of Waiting room by Phoebe Bridges, lol how perfect. I don't know what will happen but I know that this doesn't compare to what I could ever dream nor does it compare to what he has done for me. 

So to anyone who isn't feeling very brave, feeling like two choices are needing to be made, just choose one and if it's not the right one, you'll be turned to the other one. To anyone who doesn't know what's going to happen and is afraid, you will be okay, just keep stepping and be sure to listen out. To anyone who feels alone, how beautifully intimate this time is, where something divine wants to be just with you.

As always I love you, I miss you, i'm proud of you, i'll see you... soon.

Lots of love, God bless <3

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”- Mathew 11:28-30

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