In the begining
On this Blog I will write out my full testimony, up to now among other things. I wanna start this off by sharing a snippet of how I started pursuing God so passionately.
I had a best friend in high school who lived just two houses down. We were 13 or 14 at the time it all started. My house was not somewhere you would want to be, often times I didn't.
But to be truthful to where I was at, at that time and what happened. I was depressed, Ive always had a hard time at school, but being 13 made it harder and when I came home my anxiousness was so big it felt like that was the reason I was growing boobs, like everything was just trying to get out of me. My mother used to write on this exact website about us children and she wrote about me, and i'll share snippets of it with you, just to set the mood a bit, lol.
Across the floral covers her back curves away from the frame of the bed.
She has her knees to her chest propping up her elbows that accompany her shaking hands that hold the sides of her head.
She breathes like a woman in labour, fast and panicked.
My heart aches watching her struggle, Through hard exhales she says “mum i can’t breathe”, Inhale “Mum it really hurts”.
I wonder what I did wrong as a mother and feel like kicking myself for not being able to help her now.
Every so often when i'm cooking in the kitchen, she sits and she talks.She's 14 and her world seems to be falling apart.
She snaps at her Father, and he doesn’t hold back.They argue nearly every night. He doesn’t know her life outside of the house and can’t understand why she cannot do the bare minimum to contribute to the household. She, she feels so alone, and she takes it out on him because, he is not around enough.
She tells me that, she keeps messing up friendships, and she thinks she will be alone..She tells me, she can’t understand mathematics and she is failing tests. She tells me this as she sways back and forth, her head down in shame, tears falling on the countertop.
She tells me how the mental pain has manifested into physical symptoms.I have noticed,she doesn’t lift her feet up properly when she walks she slumbers down the hallway like there are weights strapped to her ankles.She has panic attacks the night before most school days and wakes up with a stomach ache.
Yeah. My mother and I had a close relationship because she saw me, but my father and I really started to clash. There was a lot of verbal abuse and borderline physical abuse.
All that just to say, this continued for years, and I would often run to my best friend's house. Her family would take me to Church on Sunday with them. I would be sitting there appreciating the community of the church, but there was this guilt in my stomach and something telling me " you're not supposed to be here, everyone knows, they know how terrible and embarrassing your life is".
I made progress over the years, but it felt like every step I took forward I took two back in some other part in my life. It eventually became too much even for my best friend, I know if I needed her I could call but the pain of her leaving overtook that knowledge, so Church stopped becoming a thing.
Fast forward, it's last year of school, and I have been smoking weed for 2 months straight, I would wake up high and go to sleep high, I was doing 6 thick joints a day.
I was struggling to get any work done besides an English paper about Kendrick Lamars- Mr Morale And The Big Steppers Album. Which talked about faith with God, and the outcomes of choosing that or not. I had it on repeat everyday.
It was around that time I went to Toi Whakaari's open day, and it felt like everything I ever wanted in a school, purely based in the Arts.
I happened to ask if I needed Level 3 Credits to apply to the school, they said no and all the weight just lifted off my body, and I was tearing up. I was so in love and for the first time, in a long time, I didn't care if I failed I had to try to get into this school. Something they said that stuck with me was"we want people who we would like to work with, so go find yourself". When I came back to this little town I saw everything differently, but I already missed where I just was. That sentence replayed in my head and I stopped smoking, and I thought, why stay here chasing something I don't need while I could go chase myself?
But I spent more of my life in school than out of school. It's all we ever know until we leave it. What would I have without it?. Nevertheless there was this voice, that would come everyday I kept going to school, this time it was different from the other, it would say "be brave, you'll be okay". I was scared, but what I saw, heard and experienced visiting that school, felt so personal to everything that was happening around me. I had a meeting with my dean and my mother coming up so that night was the first night I prayed to God.
Dear God, I don't know if your real
but please I need you
I don't know how to do this but I need you to hear me
Please give me a sign
Do I stay in school or do I leave?
I don't know how
Just show me
Amen
When I woke up I was nervous, I went to my phone and saw Toi Whakaari posted something on their story. It was a group of their students performing a choreography to Kendrick Lamars - Count Me Out, which was the exact song I played the most on the album. I stood up and paced around my room "Thank you God"
Not one thing was going to stop me from leaving, even when my dean said "we need you, we can help you", not even my mother saying" I know you'll feel bad if you don't achieve this". They even said, go to the counsellors down the hallway and then come back. I was ugly crying but I kept insisting " No I don't want this, I have to go"
After I did, everything started falling into place, I got closer to God and he has been working on me to this very day and I've never been happier.
There is so much more detail I'll give about certain things that ive experienced or done and how God was so present and purposeful even when I didn't know it. I am going to completely lay myself out in front of you. We will talk from music, friends to hard topics like suicide, body image and assault.
The world is not pretty all the time and iv'e been so blessed with either experiencing or having intimate relationships with people in really dark spaces. But Ive also been a witness to the beauty of it and the beauty of overcoming that and fully healing. Being able to step out of those situations and not have it bearing over you is something you can do too.
Psalm 139:8 says " If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in hell, you are there"
So we aren't gonna be miserable all the time, but I haven't been the best and I think it's important to shine the light on the parts that are terrible. There will mostly be my honest journey on how I am really stepping out in faith, and the beautifully intimate things you experience when you work with Jesus, how I do it e.t.c
This journey is for the weak, the stupid, the shameful, the people who are convinced you have no purpose.
Jesus chose those people, he chose me. I am not perfect at all and you will see that. There is no shame for it when you come to him.
For most people the unknown is scary, the idea of publicly committing to faith in Christ is uncomfortable, which I can honestly say, I understand. When we are also shown the religious aspects that are falsely associated with Christianity it makes it even worse. But all he seeks is you. you to come talk to him. It's only been 7 months for me, since i've talked to him, and the fruits of it are undeniable.
Sometimes I still catch myself today thinking " I don't think i'm doing this right", " i'm terrible at this", " I don't think that he would still choose me after I did that". then I go ask him and I open my bible to a random page and boom-
Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways"
Meaning, the way I think about him is by human behaviour. A person would leave if I did what I did to them, but he is not of human behaviour. He is always forgiving, always rooting for you.
He actually talks to you, he says in the rest of that passage- like the rain falling from heaven and watering the earth, making it bud and flourish, so is the word that comes from my mouth, it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
He believes in you and wants to work with you, always, however you come, whatever you think, no matter how many times you fail he wants you and loves you.
That's why i'm here pursuing is a relationship, not completely cutoff from religion, but not religion based and I want to take y'all with me, because as you'll read later, I love helping and I love people. I know shame but now I have the strongest most reliable, consistent foundation that already knows you. The hopes of this page is to maybe reach at least one person and show them that you'll be okay, just turn around and talk to him, everyday, be honest and he will not fail you. Ever.
Isaiah 55:6- Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
I think God has really pushed for this and I want to honour that, so if you are reading this and have any questions, or thoughts come talk to me hehehe, no question or thought is silly, i've been there. Anyways I love you, thank yew and see you soon!
God bless <3
Gmail: acrossthetblog.gmail.com
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